Grow 2016 with Job

On Saturday I had the pleasure of going to GROW 2016 where Nancy Guthrie from Nashville was speaking to about 700 women from across South-east QLD. I’ll take the opportunity now to thank the ladies who organised the day, the wonderful worship band and sound people, and of course Nancy herself for sharing of herself so selflessly.

I’m still sifting through the emotional and spiritual turmoil from the day – and for me it was a roller coaster that had me exhausted that night. However, a friend asked me what I had taken away with me and this is what I am working on from the conference so far. The talks were based on the book of Job, and while there are so many wonderful lessons that can be taken Job, this is what is on my heart at the moment. Suffering is real and unavoidable. As much as we don’t like to think about it we all have times of pain, suffering and anguish. Unfortunately, whether we believe in God or not, whether we like to admit it or not, very often we are the cause of our own suffering. Or maybe that bit is just me. When I think of my past, and present, I recognise that a lot of what has caused myself and others pain has been through my own choices. Our decisions, or choosing not to make a decision, have consequences for ourselves and those around us; sometimes for people we don’t even know. A lot of the mistakes and pain in my life have their origins in a series of very foolish decisions I made when I was in my late teens. The lessons that I should have learnt then about my worth to God, having self respect, being vulnerable and brave enough to be different are only truly happening for me now. I am still making mistakes, I am still hiding in my comfort zones and I am still kicking myself for the things I say and do. I am still learning and it is turning out to a long-winded and painful process with many mistakes along the way.

In the same way that our choices affect others, the choices that others have made then in turn impact us. How many times have we learnt of those we care about being injured by another driver or someone under the influence, to name a few scenarios. Of course when you compound the choices that people have made for hundreds of years then you also have the consequences of these. Nancy herself spoke about this as being the background behind her family’s painful story with the very genes themselves being influenced.

Let me make this absolutely clear – the hard things in life that we face are not a punishment from God for the things we have done. God does not cause suffering. He may allow it and if we let him then he can use it in wonderful ways but blaming God for the things that go wrong is fruitless. Suffering can make us lose faith and question everything but let me point out that there is nothing wrong with questions and this can be an extremely helpful process. Suffering however can also make our faith stronger as those questions and searching bring us closer to God. I have seen for myself friends go through terrible loss and depression but then I have also seen how they have been able to use these experiences in the most incredible ways to help other people. I pray that I would be brave enough to use my own experiences to comfort others going through similar circumstances. I agree that not passing on the compassion, lessons and coping mechanisms would be a real waste of my pain but it does take courage to step up and feel that pain again. Let me be the one of the first to offer love and support to those facing separation, divorce and the pain of spouses who have different moral standards. Let me be there for those who struggle with how to share with their children honestly and respectfully. Let me be a help to those who are trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of themselves, to discover who they are meant to be and gain the courage to live life again. I don’t have the answers, I am working it out just as you are; let us do it together with our Father as our guide.

Go West

There is an old song that comes often to my mind that helps in directing me the right way when I am dithering. Unfortunately, this sometimes happens after an event where I am left wondering what I was thinking. It is an old Michael W Smith song ‘Go West young man, let the evil go East.’

After a couple of days where I was catching up with old friends and enjoying the world, I found that I was being tempted to indulge in old habits which I know are hazardous for me. I praise God that he was looking after me and that through song he was able to bring my thoughts back into proper focus. Needless to say, I was very grateful to get to church on Sunday so that I could praise and worship properly and get some badly needed teaching. I spoke to a young man that evening that is having a major personal issue. We were discussing the difficulty of being able to share our stories with people that have more sheltered backgrounds and so are unable to relate to our lives. I was overwhelmed with his generosity of spirit as in the midst of his troubles he offered to pray for mine. We have agreed to pray for each other over the next few weeks and I know that this will be real blessing for me to be able to do this and to focus on someone whose need is far greater than mine.

When I got home I was thinking about sin and our perceptions of it. And while I agree that it is difficult to share sometimes when you feel that your background is so vastly different from others, we also need to be careful not to think of ourselves as being different due to having a ‘greater’ sin from others. This is another, although twisted, form of pride. I often need to remind myself that for God sin is sin; ‘No matter the bumps, no matter the bruises, no matter the scars, still the truth is, the cross has made, the cross has made you flawless.’ I don’t like to share my background due to shame and to be honest fear of backsliding, however if I feel it would be helpful to another then I would.

I love songs; they speak to me and move me. I love it when I am reading the bible and I come across a passage that is from a song I know. This song then has special meaning to me and brings that passage to my mind when I sing the song later. After hearing some great songs, sound teaching, a good chat and prayer my mind is much more focussed and I am able to realign myself and my priorities once again. Praise God that he is faithful even when I am not, merciful even when I don’t deserve it and loving despite my wilfulness.

Gifts for everyone

Previously, when I have thought of churches supporting mission work it has always been in the back of my mind that the church is supporting someone to go in the middle of nowhere, build a church and make converts. It sounds like something from a Victorian novel I know but this was how my brain was working and it wasn’t something I was interested in. While I don’t want to belittle those that have this gift and calling, it has been a tremendous encouragement to me to see church support being given to people working with organisations that have a more practical lean. Supporting people who are translating the bible, training local pastors and flying necessary resources, medical attention and gifted personnel to needy communities is something that is far more appealing to me personally. This is probably because I don’t have the gift of preaching, teaching, leading worship or any of those other ‘high profile’ roles within the church and so always felt redundant for the field of mission work. This is somewhat ironic considering I was basically brought up to be the heir apparent for leading a Girls’ Brigade company.

Reflecting last night on what I learnt about MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship) and the amazing work that is happening through their service, as well as the work that the family is doing in their own local community, had me thinking of David. In our KYB (Know Your Bible) studies we are currently looking at 1^st Chronicles; we were looking recently at David and his wish to build a more permanent home for God. His motives and desire to please and honour the Lord were worthy but God denied him this privilege and told him that this was a role for his son to perform. God’s role for David was as a warrior so that he could bring peace to the land and then it would be time for the temple to be built. God had a purpose for this amazing man, a plan for the nation and a time for everything to be done –  and his plan was not the same as David’s. I have no idea how this made David feel but he was obedient and praised God for what he was being shown about the future of his nation and his house under God’s reign. 1 Chronicles 17:16-27 is a beautiful prayer from David in response to this revelation from God.

– ‘Who am I, Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, my God, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. You, Lord God, have looked on me as though I were the most exalted of men. What more can David say to you for honoring your servant? For you know your servant, Lord. For the sake of your servant and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made known all these great promises. There is no one like you, Lord, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. And who is like your people Israel—the one nation on earth whose God went out to redeem a people for himself, and to make a name for yourself, and to perform great and awesome wonders by driving out nations from before your people, whom you redeemed from Egypt? You made your people Israel your very own forever, and you, Lord, have become their God. And now, Lord, let the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house be established forever. Do as you promised, so that it will be established and that your name will be great forever. Then people will say, ‘The Lord Almighty, the God over Israel, is Israel’s God!’ And the house of your servant David will be established before you. You, my God, have revealed to your servant that you will build a house for him. So your servant has found courage to pray to you. You, Lord, are God! You have promised these good things to your servant. Now you have been pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, Lord, have blessed it, and it will be blessed forever.’

Paul also recognised the different roles and gifts that God has planned within his church and that these differences need to work together for God to receive the glory through our service. Romans 12:4-8

– ‘For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith;  if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach;  if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.’

We must remember to thank God for our gifts, whatever they may be, and give thanks too for the gifts that God has given others as his plan for us and his church is perfect – to give us hope and a future.

Does this make me a flower?

Be in the world not of the world

 

This has been a real challenge for me this week for a variety of reasons. I am now getting paid enough that this can be a temptation for me which it hasn’t been before. Yay, something new to work on!

Last week I was roaming aimlessly through the stores waiting for my movie to start when I saw a lovely jacket. This jacket was on my mind for several days while I sat there wondering if I could justify buying it and whether I could afford it. I was then invited to an event and little bells went off in the back of my head saying, ‘That jacket would be perfect!’ I now had a reason to buy it so off I went. Fortunately God was protecting me and the jacket was no longer there. I will admit to looking at another one in the store, looking at the price and saying to myself for that money I need to love it not just think it is ok. To add insult to injury, I then wandered around the stores for the next hour looking for something I wanted to buy. I left the mall depressed with sore feet but fortunately no bags. I also left berating myself and thanking God for his wisdom.

As though I don’t have enough temptations and distractions in my life; I now need to balance looking after myself, ensuring that I keep myself a child of God and not go to the extremes of neglecting myself or behaving like everyone else around me with impulse purchasing and over-reaching my resources. I’m beginning to think differently about many things to do with living for God from when I was younger – luckily. I am moving away from ‘it is a thin line from holy to impure’ to realising that it is more to do with honour and respect. I’m thinking of a sermon I heard recently to do with sexual purity where the pastor stated that the common question is ‘How far is too far?’. We like to know where the line is so that we can play right up to it – until we find that we have somehow crossed over it. His comment was that that is the wrong question and the right question is how can I honour God and respect my partner in this area. I’m beginning to think that this should be how to think in all areas, including the area of purchases.

How can I honour God and respect the body he has given me with my food, clothing, exercise and all the other paraphernalia that comes with modern living? There is wisdom in not worrying about what you shall eat or wear, as our Father knows that we need it. I am fortunate enough that my needs are met and I can even now help others. I don’t need to be worrying about these things but instead I can bring any needs, or wants, that I have to him and ask for discernment. I feel that I am not wise enough to be making the most simple of decisions at this point but need to question my motives for nearly everything. And after living the life that I have been for the last 20 years maybe that is a good thing. May I continue to learn from my mistakes and continue to seek his wisdom and guidance in how I live, and buy.

Judgement

I shocked myself yesterday. While at the gym the tv was on with a documentary about a neighbourhood that was upset about how they were portrayed while being filmed for a tv show. One of the women in the neighbourhood was saying that they were being portrayed as bogans (rednecks) and my immediate thought was, ‘That is because you are.’ There was a swear word thrown in the middle of all that too.

I was angry at myself for a couple of reasons – the first and easiest to explain is the swearing. This is something I have been consciously trying to stop and I am very frustrated when I speak without thinking and the swearing comes out. The other, and more complicated issue, is the judgemental comment.

I was utterly shocked at what came out of my mouth as I’ve never seen myself as a judgemental person, however I obviously do have prejudices and they are going to continue to appear until I deal with them. I did spend 18 years living in an extremely judgemental and opinionated environment, which at the time I found extremely difficult and uncomfortable, but it seems more rubbed off on me than I had thought – or hoped. This problem was something that I brought to the Lord last night asking for help and guidance and then this morning …

My devotional was Romans 14:1-11. Several verses jumped out at me but primarily v10 which reminds me that it isn’t for me to judge another, but for God. Certainly I have no right to judge anyone else and yet it is such an easy habit to fall back into when I interact with others. I prayed today that I would see others as God sees them; as precious children. I need to remember that I have this plank in my own eye and so I have no right or ability to take a splinter out of the eye of another.

                                                                   GO AHEAD, JUDGE ME.

                                     JUST REMEMBER TO BE PERFECT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Press Restart

My life has done a dramatic turn around, or couple of turn arounds, since I last posted anything here. I am now far healthier both mentally and emotionally. Unfortunately, I need to catch up a bit with my physical health but this is something that I am working on now.

In a quick re-cap:

• Boy 1 is back in NZ, ostensibly looking for work and preparing to continue with University studies next semester but the proof is in the pudding, as they say.
• Boy 2 is currently living with his Father in Sydney while they both apply for Permanent Residency here. He is also looking for work and the plan is for him to go to University next year, whether that will be in Sydney or Brisbane is still to be determined.
• For myself, I am working in a brand new field for me, which has meant a lot of changes with a very steep learning curve. I now do shift work and that has also required a lot of shuffling with how I run my life.

The first of my turn arounds was when I decided to step out of my self-imposed reclusiveness to reconnect with some friends. This turned into a whirlwind time of meeting a lot of people, having a lot of fun and seeing a new side of life and society that I hadn’t really been involved in previously. While this time had a lot of positive effects, the most dramatic in that it made me a lot more self confident, it was also beginning to have some negative effects and I was becoming discontent. This resulted in a search for the direction I wanted my life to take long-term and has brought me right back to the beginning – back to before my misdirected relationship to my ex – back to asking forgiveness from God and receiving his grace.

This, my second big turn around, was nearly a year ago and I only feel now that I am truly starting to see some positive changes. I have made, and will continue to make, a lot of mistakes but one of my prayers is that I learn from them as I don’t wish to be condemned to continue leading the same life that I have been. I am attending a wonderful church with sound teaching and caring pastors. I have also been fortunate to join a bible study with some brilliant older women who have been together for about 30 years. They have been kind enough to embrace my joining them and they have taught me so much about family, patience and kindness. These are all characteristics which I’m afraid I had lost somewhere along the way. I also have a lovely friend from work who has been a real blessing to me and a joy to spend time with.

I had the greatest of compliments the other week from a friend who did not see it as such. He informed me that no one would believe the stories he could tell about me as I didn’t act like that person. I was surprised as I couldn’t see that about myself but I was also overjoyed. I have moved away from the majority of those friendships and am only maintaining a couple of them. Instead, I am attempting to make more positive friendships and to this aim I have joined a Christian singles group – not because I want to date but because I want to make friendships with other single women. The other step I have taken is to rejoin the hiking group as this pushes me to be more active and to be in the bush and surrounding areas. I don’t think my dog is terribly happy about all this as it means I’m not around as much as he would like but it has done wonders for my contentedness, energy levels and even my newly rediscovered faith.

I don’t intend for this to be a diary of events but I did want to give a general update on what has happened prior to any other writings – I hope this will be a glorious ride!

The Great Experiment

I am conducting an interesting experiment at the moment. On the advice of a friend, who is concerned about me spending too much time at home, I have joined a dating site. I don’t actually want a date – as that has connotations of wanting a relationship (which I don’t). However it would be good to have a collection of single friends that I can go out with and have fun with. Ergo, why this particular site was recommended. I joined yesterday and didn’t get round to putting up a photo. Basically ‘cause I was too chicken and couldn’t find any I liked. Today I had to put on makeup as I was going to a job interview so took a couple of photos. They still weren’t great but better than everything else I had.

 

Anyway, where I was going with this was the following: Despite the profile being exceedingly basic and there being no photo – or maybe because of it – there were about 12 requests for contact last night. Apart from screening out those too young, smokers or wanting a serious relationship, what the heck do you do? I ‘spoke’ to a couple of them last night, and the conversations ranged from a serious quizzing about what I wanted to get out of the site from one, to some major (and somewhat scary) flirting from another. Two wanted to meet up. Now tell me, what female in their right mind wants to meet up with a stranger after a two minute online chat? Do these guys think we are nuts!? AND where do you pick up a frappe at 10pm anyway! I can’t believe that these guys are that desperate – they must be either scams or perverts surely.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m not a catch. Oh, yes, I am and getting better every day. (I crack myself up!) I’ve even managed to drop the weight down to 90kgs, which is actually a little depressing. But really?!?

 

I get that men are visual, horny creatures who consider sex as an act rather than a sign of emotion and have it constantly popping into their brains. However, to think that I am going to drop everything to meet up with some strange guy because he thinks it appropriate to write ‘slurp slurp lick lick lick’ is insanity. And insulting. I will continue to experiment, for the entertainment factor if nothing else, and see what happens. Remember, I am open to new experiences this year and this certainly fits into that category. I’ll keep you posted.

Why, oh why?

I have stagnated. I think I have known it for a while but put it at the back of my mind where I didn’t have to look at it. I’m good at doing that. It’s also one of the things that scared me about living alone and not having the Ex kicking my butt. I hate the thought that I can fall so easily into laziness and procrastination but I can’t deny that it is true. I know that the last couple of weeks that I have felt somewhat depressed and lethargic and I thought that it related to some personal stuff that was going on. Now, I’m not so sure. Possibly it started out that way but morphed into an overall lethargy. And what is worse – I let it.

 

But today I have put some thought into this and am resolved as of tomorrow to kick my own butt. I will get up and go to a class, I will make a list of things I wish to complete tomorrow and I will get on with it. Just like I used to do. A structured and busy day makes for a happy Ruth. This is a truism. How did I forget?

Ch – ch – ch – ch – changes

I haven’t written for a while and I have had a couple of queries about it. The why is very simple and very internal.

 

I made a commitment that I was going to keep the tone of the blog positive. To be completely honest I also have a journal, which is where I spew all my negativity, this allows me to clear my head and start to think forwards instead of dwelling. I can do dwelling very well. It does however stalemate me and stops me thinking. Anyhow – because I have had some trouble being positive with all that is going on I haven’t been blogging. OR maybe everything I have just written it is a big cop-out. Time will tell.

 

Wow – two months! Well, rattle your dags folks and lets get down to business. What has been going on you ask?!

 

Where do I start, says I.

 

1 – Moved house – again. I have a house full of boxes and too much crap for said house to contain. So I have a lot to sell or throw – yay!!!

2 – Boy 1 has been convinced/forced to go to PNG to live with his father for a few months. He will be doing some work experience there and be jolted out of his comfort zone. I actually think it is a good idea but HATE how it has been managed and will miss him very much.

3 – So this house is just for Boy 2 and I. When his highness comes to visit he will stay with his parents instead of with us, which I think is much healthier. I am determined to make this a happy and healthy home for us.

4 – Still no job! And his highness will no longer be supporting us except for money for Boy 2.

5 – The reason for this is that despite the fact that he abandoned (sorry, separated) us (me) only in August, he has started divorce proceedings. (Please note the negativity starting to creep in). What he is doing is illegal – but lets not go there, being legal has never been his strength. I feel like a whore (not against prostitution, might end up there myself at this rate) as he has given me everything in the house I want, some savings, and told me to sell the car and keep the proceeds. Sounds fair, right? It probably is. But once again, as I told him, how he has gone about things makes me feel cheap and used. I had less than a week to agree to his terms and sign papers; the or else was unspecified.

6 – On a more positive note, some friends have now started to come out of the woodwork and I am making more of an attempt to catch up with them, so starting to develop a social life again.

 

I am happy about this move, determined to make this work and for the two of us to be happy here. I just need to find some kind of work and I can be content.

 

My apologies for this not being as bright as I would have liked. Have issues. Dealing with them. Will do better next time – promise.

 

BTW – who can guess the song that the title is from?

2013

OPEN

 

I’ve just been reading about ‘The Word Concept’. I know what my word is for the year; it was easy to figure out. Not so easy to do.

 

OPEN

 

Open to ideas, open to experiences, open to adventures, open to new ways of doing things.

 

OPEN

 

Means not dwelling on the past but looking forward. It means being interested and involved in what I am doing or could be doing.

 

OPEN

 

Means not getting stuck in the familiar and comfortable.

 

OPEN